My Own Worst Enemy

We interrupt regularly scheduled queer blogging for an incursion into the personal. We apologize for any inconvenience.

The last couple of years have been incredibly hard on me. From recovering from a severe eating disorder to being diagnosed and treated for major depression and anxiety to wrestling with very toxic relationships and coming to realize my trans feelings for what they are, the last year and a half have been incredibly taxing. Since I moved in with my partner in February, I’ve been taking a lot of time for myself: exploring my gender, focusing on my studies and activism, finding my writing voice again, aligning my priorities, and not worrying about finding a balance between healthy and obsessive exercise, trying to juggle all of my interests and studies with a job, etc. This was all really great, it gave me the freedom to figure out largely who I am and what I want from this crazy thing we call life. 

However, it’s July. It’s been six months, and I’ve started stagnating. My body is heavier than I’d like, and the extra weight is emphasizing my body’s natural femininity. I’m running low on the money I’d saved up since I lost my job back in February. I’ve become somewhat spiritually disconnected from my faith. I’ve become a self-fulfilling prophesy, a cycle of depression and normalcy that I’ve helped to create in some way or another. Staying at home is great while you’re figuring yourself out, but continuing to do so without getting back into the world causes one—well, me, anyway—to overthink things and start this vicious cycle of depression and self-doubt.

I’m tired of doing this to myself. Living with depression, anxiety, and severe dysphoria on its own is bad enough. Why should I do anything but activities that will at the very least take my mind off of all that’s wrong with the world? Therefore, I’ve come to realization that it’s time to get back out there. I’m comfortable enough with myself to not have complete nervous breakdowns when confronted with the necessity to provide basic education on my transness. I should be getting myself a job, going out with my friends, writing each and every day, and participating in exercise that will naturally boost my mood.

Moral of the story, recovery is a beautiful thing. Here’s to the journey. 

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2 thoughts on “My Own Worst Enemy

  1. I totally feel you! The past few years have been very intense for me, too. Congrats on moving forward some! I look forward to the day when dysphoria doesn’t keep me at home, when I’m well enough to bind as often as I’d like, and I don’t panic at the thought of explaining my basic personhood to someone…

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