A Brief Relapse Into the Closet

Growing up in the hyper-conservative place that I did, I was gifted at self-denial. I would not, under any circumstances accept that I was trans or pansexual. One of the major reasons I left home at seventeen was that I felt I was being held back by the conservatism, the religion, the culture, and the smallness of everything there. My family is largely small minded and would not be able to accept my gender or sexuality with any level of understanding, unfortunately.

Over the past few years of living in New York, I’ve become a tiny bit spoiled by the general, baseline level of acceptance and the amount of freedom I allowed myself. Remind me to never, ever take that for granted. However, right now, I’m on a train on my way to visit my family while they’re vacationing in D.C. Since I’m not out to them, I’ll have to shove my bright, fabulous, glorious self back into the closet. 

Wish me luck.


3 thoughts on “A Brief Relapse Into the Closet

  1. Oooh that’s so hard! I had to do that a few weeks ago when my grandmother died. It was hard to grieve in general, and harder with this extra layer of not-me-ness there. It was all I could do to not come out at the gravesite. I figured that’d be almost too soap-opera-y. 🙂 Good luck–keep us posted on how it goes!

  2. 😦 I’m so sorry. I have a very similar background. It’s more stressful than anybody can understand I think. The expectations of parents or other family members can be *incredibly* heavy. I moved away at 18 and recently moved even further away. It has been helpful for sure, but no distance seems to be able to alleviate that weight.

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