I hate days like these. Days where introspection and preoccupation elbows its way into the forefront of your mind, refusing to allow you to do anything else but think about all of the negative things that are on your mind and absolutely nothing else. One of those days where everything seems hopeless and you wonder why you even bother to try at all? Yeah, I’m having one of those.
I am despondent regarding my own trans status. Honestly, to be a queer cis person would be a dream. I wouldn’t wish transness on my worst enemy. Not because I think that being trans is inherently bad, or icky, or sinful, or crazy, but because society–both hetero and LGB–makes it so difficult to just exist. I’m exhausted from fighting to be seen as a man, even though cis men are allowed to be femme without their gender ever coming into question.
I’m tired of having to constantly prove my own masculinity, to prove my own maleness, to live up to insane criteria just to be called by my name or correct pronouns. I’m tired of having crises before leaving the house because my body looks to feminine, even in male clothing. I infuriate myself when I ask my friends what piercing I should get for myself for Jul, because I’m concerned about not passing.
The thing is, I don’t even want to pass. I want to be androgynous, I’m on the more genderqueer side of trans. I just want ti ve seen as Christopher instead of my birth name. As ‘he’ or even ‘they’ instead of ‘she.’
I don’t want people to look at me and see trans. I want them to look at me and see me, and appreciate me for all the things I am. With the rising of TERFs and Trans-exclusive gay men (which I didn’t actually really know existed until today), I’m afraid I never will be anything more than the sum of my genitals.
There’s only around a week until Christmas, and only a few days until Jul, and I don’t have any idea what piercing I’m getting myself (the contenders are eyebrow, septem, and lip) because I can’t stop thinking about what’s “more masculine.” I’m part of the problem, I know, but I’m just… upset.